Narcissists are offensive, they are always attacking you. They are always trying to cause you to feel resentful, upset or annoyed. They will plan or coordinate the elements of a situation or conversation and carefully guide or manipulate you to achieve the desired result or desired effect. Because narcissists are always offensive, it automatically puts you in defence. This is where you are constantly defending yourself or resisting attack. Narcissists develop a strategy which is designed to dominate and control you and keep you in a state of feeling not good enough or not right. This strategy is applied to situations or conversations which leaves you constantly on the defence. It is designed to keep you always on edge, always looking at yourself in a negative way. They want to keep you in a constate state of defence so that you never have time to think clearly and decide what is right for you. When you are constantly defending yourself, it affects your logical thinking and your sense of judgement. It makes it difficult for you to make your own decisions.
This is when the narcissist will give you suggestions or ideas and because you feel so drained and lifeless, you give in and accept whatever they are dictating to you. They keep you in defence so that you are more willing to accept their suggestions or ideas. Once they have dictated to you that your not good enough or not right, naturally you assume that your thoughts or beliefs are not beneficial to you or the situation. This is where you will give in and accept the narcissist's dictations or definitions. If you want to outsmart the narcissist, you need to change from a defensive state to an offensive state. This will change the dynamics of the relationship and it will even change how you feel. You will feel more in control of yourself and more able to think and make decisions. Everything the narcissist does is a form of orchestration. They have to plan or coordinate the elements of a situation to produce the desired effect. This means that everything they do and everything they say is simulated. None of it is real. They are imitating the conditions of something to produce the desired emotion or reaction they want from you. There is a purpose for everything they do, every conversation, everything they say to you. It is all designed to produce a certain emotion or reaction from you. Sometimes you may be fooled into thinking that you're having a normal conversation or they are entrusting you with something. But the truth is, narcissists cannot have a genuine conversation. They cannot be real with you. All they can do is act or imitate what they have seen before to produce a desired reaction from you, or what they think you want to see.
Everything they do is a form of orchestration, nothing they do is real or genuine. It is all intended to put you in the defence and produce the desired emotion or reaction from you. You need to change from a defensive state to an offensive state to outsmart the narcissist. If the narcissist tries to insult you or put you down, you can say "you are entitled to your opinion". This will help to neutralise their attack. You can take it even further to an offensive state, where they are the ones on the defence. To do this, you must first understand that narcissists hate to see or reflect on their own negative emotions. This is why they are always projecting their emotions or trying to blame you for something. They are shame-based individuals doing everything they can to avoid reflecting on their shame. Attacking you is a distraction and a form of escapism from their true miserable reality, it provides them with a short burst of relief from their pain and suffering. This is why they will often use tactics such as denial, projection, blame-shifting, gaslighting and the double bind. It's all designed to deny the true reality and their emotions and project or blame shift it all on to you. Once you have neutralised their attack, by telling them that they are entitled to their opinion, you can then move to the offensive state by showing them their emotions. The emotions that they will do whatever they can to avoid reflecting on. When the narcissist is attacking you, neutralise their attack by telling them that they are entitled to their opinion and then state
their feelings. Tell them "you seem angry" or "you seem upset". They will deny that they are angry or upset, but they will still continue to experience these emotions.
At this point, they are forced to reflect on those emotions. You have taken the mirror that they are constantly putting in front of you and forcing you to reflect on yourself and putting it in
front of them so now they have to look at themselves. I have done this before and witnessed the narcissist's entire head going bright red and the narcissistic stare. They will do their best to hide their true emotions, but it often comes out with physical indicators. So you might see them having these physical indicators which clearly display that they are angry or upset, yet they will continue to deny how they really feel. Once you have neutralised their attack, all you have to do to put them on the defence is to state their emotions. Tell them "you seem angry" or "you seem upset". Ask them "is something frustrating you?" or "is something bothering you?" They cannot tell you the truth of what really frustrates or bothers them, because they have to maintain their composed and self-assured manner. Instead, they will try to project their emotions on to you, or they will claim that it's something you've done wrong. But they will never tell you the truth, that they are angry or upset. When you put the mirror in front of them by stating their emotions, it becomes undeniable at that point. While they may not admit their emotions to you, they are forced to accept and experience them. This will cause a narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage. At this point you should then end the conversation and remove yourself from the situation. Sometimes the narcissist will claim that you have done something wrong or not right. When really they are just looking for an excuse to express their anger and hatred. The narcissist will claim that something you have done is not good enough or not the way that they would like it to be. Or they may have asked you to do some things for them that day and there was one thing you forgot to do. Instead of appreciating everything you did, they will focus on that one thing you didn't do. Just like in the previous situation, instead of going into defence, take the mirror and turn it on them. Get them to reflect on how they feel. Tell the narcissist "You have difficulty being positive, don't you?" "Being appreciative isn't a part of your personality" When you say this, do not show any feelings of nervousness, anger or other strong emotions. Say it calmly, as though you are just making an observation. The narcissist may try to suck you into an argument but just resist the urge to say anything more. You have taken the mirror and turned it on them, so now they are reflecting on themselves.
Whenever the narcissist tries to abuse you or give you criticism, instead of defending yourself, state their feelings. Tell them how they feel in that moment. Tell them that they enjoy engaging in abusive behaviours or that they prefer dysfunctional environments. Tell them they hate happiness. When you say things like this you are outsmarting the narcissist. You are recognising their tactics to constantly put you on the defence and then you are making the narcissist defend their actions. Narcissists have this inability to self reflect or look within. When you state their feelings, you are forcing them to self reflect. When you do this, your thinking will be clearer and you will have more energy. You will feel more in control of yourself. This is not about winning or trying to compete with the narcissist. This is about taking control of your life. It's about no longer giving this person the ability to control you. It's about staying calm in situations that would otherwise be stressful. It's about exposing the truth of the situation. They are angry and they are upset. But it has nothing to do with you. They are just using you to project these emotions which they refuse to reflect on. They want you to focus on yourself and think that there's something wrong with you so that you never look at them and see what they're doing. When you are stating their feelings, you are outsmarting them by reminding them that they are the perpetrators and you do not have to
defend yourself to them. Yet they want you to think that you are the one with the behaviour that is not good enough or not right. When you point it out to them, it's powerful and they are forced to reflect on the emotions they do everything to hide or deny.
When you accept the blame and accept the emotions which they are projecting on to you, you are holding them together. You are regulating their emotions. Stop accepting their emotions as if they are your own and let them own their own emotions. State their emotions, tell them how they feel. It exposes them and shows them that they are the real problem. It will cause a narcissistic injury and narcissistic rage as they do not want to accept that they are the problem. They go out of their way to create orchestrations, engaging in mind control, gaslighting, all to convince you that something is wrong with you or you are not right. If they really believed that you are not good enough or you are the problem, they wouldn't need to engage in all of this. You might think that they are trying to prove it to you, but really they are just using you in an attempt to prove it to themselves. If you want to know what the narcissist thinks or feels about themselves, pay attention to what they are saying to you. If you want to know what makes them really mad or upset, pay attention to what they are displaying to you. They use you to project these emotions which they hide or deny in themselves. They assume that if it hurts them, it should hurt you. Change from a defensive state to an offensive state. Tell them how they feel. This will change the dynamics of the relationship and it will even change how you feel. You will feel more in control of yourself and more able to think and make decisions.
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